Most ministries, testimonies, blogs, etc. come from someone’s pain and hurt. Some pain is physical, others emotional and spiritual. Though not all of my pain comes from the same place, the pain I am going to share with you today is spiritual and emotional. I know that this is petty to most folks, because it’s not your battle. It’s mine and I’ve tried to lay it all down. It is a very real pain that cuts to the heart.
I have always had a calling to sing. From the time I was a little girl, my heart’s desire has always been to sing for Christ. That is where my heart is. No, I don’t have the worlds greatest voice, but God has flowed His anointing down through generations in my family. A mantel that has been passed. Satan doesn’t like the kind of anointing that touches hearts. He doesn’t like any kind of anointing, so he tries to shut it down any way that he can. He will use anyone that will allow him to do his dirty work. Sometimes, they don’t even realize it.
To get to where my pain comes from, I have carried with me for years a desire to sing for Christ, whether it would be in alter service, a choir, wherever God would have me to. I choose NOT to sing worldly songs in the public eye because I feel like that would hurt my witness. What hurts is that I have a little sister, that is a Godly, praying woman, and she gets to do most of everything that my heart had desired to do. She taught herself to play piano so that she can sing what she wants. She has access to other musicians to help play for her. Sings in the choir and leads the youth choir in their worship team.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my sister dearly. She is my best friend and I’m glad that she is allowing God to use her in many areas of her life. There is this part in my heart that says, “Why God? This is not fair. You said that if I put You first, that You would give me the desires of my heart.” But if not her, it would be someone else.
I try not to let my pain manifest if I can help it. Every now and then, there is a little something that will trigger it, and I have to push it away to the best of my ability. It heals over and starts to fester up again, never really scarring over.
I feel as if I’m here with my hand raised, screaming, “Here I am God! Over here! Here I am. Use me!” I do have a servant’s heart and I do serve in many areas with the public. I’ll continue to do what He wants me to do. My main desire is to be in His will and not in His way and to lead others to Him. That is what our goal should be in the long run.