It’s been 17 months since my son went to Heaven.
A piece of my heart left my body and went to Heaven with him. I’ve learned so much these last months. I’ve learned the goodness of our great God. I’ve learned to be still and listen and more importantly hear. When Brian first died I was angry, no angry doesn’t cover it. I was livid. I could not understand how God would let this happen. That 1st Sunday back at church we sat in the over flow room and I cried the entire time. In my head I was screaming at God. At one point I stopped crying. I clearly heard God say my Son hung from a tree too. Brian is with my Son. You will always know where he is now. (There were many months I did not know if Brian were alive or not.)
I started hearing God’s voice saying small sweet loving things to me. Friends telling me how Loved I am. Telling me that our God is not a God of confusion, He is a God of Love. I hadn’t opened my Bible in a very long time. I opened my Bible 2 weeks ago, I read the book of John. I see things differently now. My faith is much stronger and I confidently know where my son is. Brian and I had a conversation 8 weeks before he died. I hadn’t talked to him in almost 2 years. (Drugs, alcohol, bad life choices, his choice to not have me in his life) He called me. He was at rock bottom and wanted a new start. He was willing to get himself here and go to a Christian mission to recover. We had a conversation about God. I said to him I know you say that you don’t believe in God, but I really think you are just angry with Him. My boy broke down and said he was so angry at God that this isn’t how his life was supposed to be. We talked everyday, several times a day before he died. My son knew God & knew how loved he is. In his death he has accomplished what he wanted to in life. Brian would give anyone anything they needed, whether he could afford it or not.
My family has some things in Brian’s memory. Our church has been going to the public servants of our town to thank them for all that they do. I was asked if I could help with the police officer luncheon. I have been wanting to find a away to thank them for their kindness on that night they had to come tell us. It blessed me so much to bless them. My youngest daughter walked the suicide awareness walk.
I can listen & hear people. I can listen & hear God. Now don’t get me wrong, God still has to show me things several times before I get it. I get it much sooner nowadays. Now don’t get me wrong, I wish my son was here with me. I don’t want any family to feel this grief, to feel this loss. It is horrific! Mental illness is a taboo subject that no one wants to talk about, that no one wants to ask for help.
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As a child, my friends (that are all more like family) and I would often play house. Crystal would have either 1 or 2 kids. Kristeena would be the babysitter. Kristianna would be the family pet… usually a dog. (I’m happy to report now that she is NOT a dog, but a happy wife and mother of a beautiful baby girl…) Me? I was the crazy one who wanted to pretend I had 6-10 kids. Most often, Crystal would say “That’s crazy. No more than 6. We can’t keep up with all the pretend names.” And boy, would I come up with those names. Every time there was a “Rebecca-Ann Marie” (And if you know me well enough, you know my first daughter had a very similar name.) and I LOVED playing the part.
Nick, Kyndra, & Kara always played along. Nick would be “Uncle Michael” and his wife would always be “Aunt Michele”. Kyndra would usually be one of Crystal’s kids, but sometimes mine… and Kara was mine every time. Being that Kara was half my age at the time and quite a bit smaller than I, I loved that I could carry her around on my hip or to cradle her in my arms. She was always 5 months old and had a different name every game session. Don’t ask me why 5 months and not 6 or 4. It’s just how it was.
This was my plan. From a young girl. I was to be a Mommy of a VERY large group of children. And I am… but not as many as I thought I would have…
I’m facing a difficult decision due to physical problems; It involves my fertility.
I always said that when God said it was time to stop having children, he would tell me loud and clear. That he has. I believe soon I may be undergoing a hysterectomy or treatment that will prevent me from having more children.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I have a large family and I’ve been blessed. It’s just not what I had planned.
Saturday night, dealing with a hot flash, I stepped outside. Looking at the stars, I flat out asked God, “What is your plan? I’m open to what you have, it’s just this is what I thought you called me to do? I’m only 30. I didn’t expect this so soon.” In my heart I felt him say, instantly, “It is what I called you to do, but there is something else waiting in the wings. Just wait and see. It will take time. Hold on.”
So here I am: At peace, finally. At the end of my life I may not have 6-10 children, and that’s okay. This wasn’t an easy thing to let go of, as I’m a “planner”. But, the 5 I have are the best things that EVER happened to me. God knows what He’s doing, all the time. I’ll trust in Him.
Are you facing a situation in which you are not sure what God is up to? Has the decision been taken out of your hands? Let me tell you, friend, give it all to Him. He really does know what He’s doing. If you need prayer, let us know either here or on our Prayer Wall. We’ll pray with you.
To fully understand the reason why Angie picked this song, please visit Random Epiphanies of An Imperfectionist and click on Sunday, April 22nd’s post. Thank you.