Most ministries, testimonies, blogs, etc. come from someone’s pain and hurt. Some pain is physical, others emotional and spiritual. Though not all of my pain comes from the same place, the pain I am going to share with you today is spiritual and emotional. I know that this is petty to most folks, because it’s not your battle. It’s mine and I’ve tried to lay it all down. It is a very real pain that cuts to the heart.
I have always had a calling to sing. From the time I was a little girl, my heart’s desire has always been to sing for Christ. That is where my heart is. No, I don’t have the worlds greatest voice, but God has flowed His anointing down through generations in my family. A mantel that has been passed. Satan doesn’t like the kind of anointing that touches hearts. He doesn’t like any kind of anointing, so he tries to shut it down any way that he can. He will use anyone that will allow him to do his dirty work. Sometimes, they don’t even realize it.
To get to where my pain comes from, I have carried with me for years a desire to sing for Christ, whether it would be in alter service, a choir, wherever God would have me to. I choose NOT to sing worldly songs in the public eye because I feel like that would hurt my witness. What hurts is that I have a little sister, that is a Godly, praying woman, and she gets to do most of everything that my heart had desired to do. She taught herself to play piano so that she can sing what she wants. She has access to other musicians to help play for her. Sings in the choir and leads the youth choir in their worship team.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my sister dearly. She is my best friend and I’m glad that she is allowing God to use her in many areas of her life. There is this part in my heart that says, “Why God? This is not fair. You said that if I put You first, that You would give me the desires of my heart.” But if not her, it would be someone else.
I try not to let my pain manifest if I can help it. Every now and then, there is a little something that will trigger it, and I have to push it away to the best of my ability. It heals over and starts to fester up again, never really scarring over.
I feel as if I’m here with my hand raised, screaming, “Here I am God! Over here! Here I am. Use me!” I do have a servant’s heart and I do serve in many areas with the public. I’ll continue to do what He wants me to do. My main desire is to be in His will and not in His way and to lead others to Him. That is what our goal should be in the long run.
Unlike the rest of the wonderful ladies that I get the pleasure to blog with my children are all grown, actually thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet when my husband and I were free to do what ever we wanted. “WRONG”, depression hit like a ton of bricks, for over a year I could barely function… My daughter moved away, starting with baby steps, first to Victorville then to Bakersfield, and on to Tennessee,, now even further, they are pastoring in Illinois, I feel blessed knowing she is serving the Lord… but not being able to watch my grandchildren grow up is the hardest thing I have ever had to face… I feel my grandchildren are my greatest accomplishment……..They are truly my joy.. each child with their own personality
I would give anything to go back and spend time with my children.. knowing what I know now things would have been totally different. I would of had them in church from the moment they were born… I Try so hard to tell people how important it is if you want to raise a loving caring child then you need to teach him the love of Jesus…. It’s our job to do just that… I made so many mistakes, but by the grace of God I have let that go, I know my Lord and savior has forgiven me, and with that I can go on doing the work he has called me to do… I feel it’s so important for young mothers to know that the house work is not all that important… those dishes will be there, those unmade beds aren’t going anywhere either… So go ahead and get your hands sticky with those lil guys, your making a memory every time you do… and you can bet they love every minute of it…. Do I feel worthy to be able to be a part of this lil group, ‘NO’ but I do feel blessed, And pray for me, because I get very nervous when I think about blogging, if you have read some of the post from the other ladies then you will know why…… I’m sure God knows my desires and He has never let me down. so please bare with me.. God isn’t finished with me yet. You will find most of my post are poems… My desire is to write a book, with short stories and poems mixed, I honestly believe in my heart that the four of us ladies could write a book, It wasn’t by accident we got here, God is good and he has a plan for us. He put the four of us together for a reason, and I’m ready to find out what that reason is …. I just got to figure out how to do it all, my computer skills are not the best…. Any way I just wanted to get acquainted with you all and let you know you will be hearing more from… go wash those hands and get ready to lift them up… After all praising Jesus is all that really matters….