I know I’m not the only one that feels like this.
Maybe you even feel like this…
Either way, I don’t think anyone fully enjoys this sense of not knowing where they are or how they got here. Sure, it feels exciting and adventurous, but also scary.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with where I am. It’s just that life is not what I thought it was going to be. It’s better, more beautiful, and a ton more work… but it’s just not what I ever thought life would be. Perhaps this is why people have a mid-life crisis and jump completely out of their own character and into a personality completely parallel to anything that resembles them. I can kind of see how it happens now, as without Christ I would probably stand back some days and shake with fright. Actually, I pretty much did that during a divorce at 22, so I get it. But now I’m 33. I do way too much thinking about “how will this all work out” and while I seem to have moments of tears and stress, I don’t completely snap.
Because, if I’m being honest, it is the excitement of “What will God do with this next?” that keeps me from freaking out.
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My first dream, before anything else came to thought, was to be a Mom. It was always at the top of my goals. There was a time as a little girl that I wanted to be a lawyer and later a doctor. Different hopes and dreams were born and faded, but the only dream that grew was to have a family.
What I didn’t dream of was heartbreaking miscarriages, divorce, becoming a non-custodial parent, and having special needs children. I didn’t plan for illnesses, failed moves, children in surgery 1800 miles away, extended business trips, unfinished blog series, a kitchen covered in dish soap, and a lot of waiting. I never anticipated so many tears. Ever.
I look around some days and wonder where I am and how I got here, because nothing seems familiar.
But without those broken dreams, I wouldn’t appreciate the blessings that God has given me. I wouldn’t understand how miraculous it is to give birth to a living child. Never would I have understood how rare it is to find a good man who loves his family, puts them above all else, and after years together still puts up with this neurotic wife of his. Maybe I wouldn’t have appreciated all the little moments with each of my children if 2 of my kids were not with me all the time. While the most difficult job I’ve ever had, being a special needs Mom has brought more love into my life than I ever imagined. Everything has brought growth and wisdom that I would have never gained otherwise.
Over the last few days, I realized that I need to put a reoccurring dream on hold once again. I’m not going to say that I’m not disappointed. I am. But again, I can’t wait to see what God will do next! The dream isn’t broken, just on hold. The peace that Jesus brings is so sweet and nothing else can compare.
After all, my biggest dream has come true. Waking up every day as his wife and their Mom is a wonderful feeling, and being God’s child is amazing!
If you’re looking around and not quite sure of where you are and how you got there, cling to our Heavenly Father. He knows exactly what He’s doing and has a better plan than any we could ever imagine.