Um, God? This Isn’t What I Had Planned…

ByAngie

Um, God? This Isn’t What I Had Planned…

My 10th birthday, clockwise from top: Me, thinking I'm soooo cool with my dumb arm up; Crystal; Kristeena; Kristianna WAY into her mexican lime salt; Kyndra, taken off guard; & Kara, always happy and giggly.

As a child, my friends (that are all more like family) and I would often play house. Crystal would have either 1 or 2 kids. Kristeena would be the babysitter. Kristianna would be the family pet… usually a dog. (I’m happy to report now that she is NOT a dog, but a happy wife and mother of a beautiful baby girl…) Me? I was the crazy one who wanted to pretend I had 6-10 kids. Most often, Crystal would say “That’s crazy. No more than 6. We can’t keep up with all the pretend names.” And boy, would I come up with those names. Every time there was a “Rebecca-Ann Marie” (And if you know me well enough, you know my first daughter had a very similar name.) and I LOVED playing the part.

My "Beccarie", at the "Sweet" age of 2. My angel. She's now 9 and sweeter than ever.

Nick, Kyndra, & Kara always played along. Nick would be “Uncle Michael” and his wife would always be “Aunt Michele”. Kyndra would usually be one of Crystal’s kids, but sometimes mine… and Kara was mine every time. Being that Kara was half my age at the time and quite a bit smaller than I, I loved that I could carry her around on my hip or to cradle her in my arms. She was always 5 months old and had a different name every game session. Don’t ask me why 5 months and not 6 or 4. It’s just how it was.

This was my plan. From a young girl. I was to be a Mommy of a VERY large group of children. And I am… but not as many as I thought I would have…

I’m facing a difficult decision due to physical problems; It involves my fertility.

I always said that when God said it was time to stop having children, he would tell me loud and clear. That he has. I believe soon I may be undergoing a hysterectomy or treatment that will prevent me from having more children.

One of those rare moments they all sat still... enough...

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I have a large family and I’ve been blessed. It’s just not what I had planned.

Saturday night, dealing with a hot flash, I stepped outside. Looking at the stars, I flat out asked God, “What is your plan? I’m open to what you have, it’s just this is what I thought you called me to do? I’m only 30. I didn’t expect this so soon.”  In my heart I felt him say, instantly, “It is what I called you to do, but there is something else waiting in the wings. Just wait and see. It will take time. Hold on.”

So here I am: At peace, finally. At the end of my life I may not have 6-10 children, and that’s okay. This wasn’t an easy thing to let go of, as I’m a “planner”. But, the 5 I have are the best things that EVER happened to me. God knows what He’s doing, all the time.  I’ll trust in Him.

Are you facing a situation in which you are not sure what God is up to? Has the decision been taken out of your hands? Let me tell you, friend, give it all to Him. He really does know what He’s doing. If you need prayer, let us know either here or on our Prayer Wall. We’ll pray with you.

 

 

 

 

To fully understand the reason why Angie picked this song, please visit Random Epiphanies of An Imperfectionist and click on Sunday, April 22nd’s post. Thank you.

About the author

Angie editor

Angie, a mother of 5, currently lives in the Inland Empire area of Southern California with her husband of 19 years, Bobby, & 4 of their children. She is a non-custodial mother of 1 that lives with her during the Summer. Angie is a stay at home mom, homeschooling all 3 of her younger children. (She plans to homeschool her children through high school graduation.) She’ll be the first to admit she is human & full of flaws. Every day she praises God for His grace & mercy on her life. She’s lived in 5 different states, loves to craft & sew, and is what you would call a “Disney Geek” since birth. Dreaming of one day returning to school, her free time is spent studying and attempting to play piano. If you have any questions or for any other reason need to contact someone about this blog, she is the one to contact. You can email her at Angie (at) RaisingStickyHands (dot) com.

  • MamaRiceCake

    I’ve had LOTS of decisions like that made for me… mostly related to being a military wife. Learning to let go… seriously, I have major control issues… and trust that God’s really going to guide me and not leaving me blowing in the hurricane force winds is a hard lesson. I think that it boils down to my own selfishness. I tend to think that God should “get with MY program”… versus really trusting that God is God and I’m definitely NOT!
    I’m getting there though… a little at a time.

    PS, I LOVE that Amy Grant song! AG fo’ life! 😉 Honestly, her music is a soundtrack to my own life. I love it.